2011.9.5.
quarrel with my mom,so sad,i know,i'm not worth her love.She never understands me,always mistakes me.When I try to explain,she just keeps on scolding me.I'm tired, exhausted.My heart is completely broken,into pieces when she said to me" You can't blame me why I love your brother most."
I never think that she doesn't love me much, but in a wrong way, never think that her love given to us is not equal, but now, i know, she is "forced" to"love"me just because I am her daughter,no alternatives.
2011.9.9
After my mom went out, I started the revision on my notes---children care and childbearing.
But, I started thinking of my childhood... full of sadness.
I cried in the toilet, hugging my pillow, sitting on the floor with my legs flexed.I cried and said a lot of things...realizing that my dreams never come true.
___
When i was young, one day, i got full marks in English examination, of course I was very happy as I could get rid of physical punishment and my mom would praise me.
But, she didn't say anything about my performance.
AM I REALLY NOT THAT PRAISEWORTHY?
Children need compliment...did she know? never.
From that moment on, i decided not to tell her my worries, my secrets...
When i was 6, my mom couldn't look after us and so, I and my brother needed to stay in her friend's home and i was bullied.
They didn't like to play with me. I did't know why...and of course, didn't tell my mom that every day, i was sad because of bullying.
I just cried at night, until very tired and fell asleep.
...... tonnes of sadness......
Last night, my friend said to me that I should marry someone I love, and organize a family.
I said " Sorry, I can't wait now, I am 21! 22 is now coming!! I want to get married before 28! I'll settle down with the one loves me instead so that i can have a family."
He said " Don't you think that one should get married with one's beloved , then having babies? It's unfair to your husband. "
NO! you are wrong, a family, my own family can rescue me.
Don't you think that...someone having sex with the one they don't love so much is such a sacrifice???
I need my own family to start a brand new life!
And because of my unpleasant childhood,
I swear that i will be a good mom and have my family full of joy and love.
